HOLLYWOOD LIED.

Have any of you seen the movie Knocked Up? You know how Katherine Heigl vomits once into a trash can at work and then delicately blots her lips and that's, like, her entire experience of unpleasant physical sensations for her entire pregnancy? I want to punch whoever wrote that scene. Here's what it's actually like.

First, there was a bit of nausea if I exerted myself walking to far or trying to do too much around the house. Then there was that, plus nausea when I woke up in the morning. Then came nausea whenever I ate anything. Or if I was feeling stressed or anxious. Then all of that plus random waves that would hit me.

On top of that, my boobs hurt like they'd never hurt before and I developed narcolepsy. Seriously, I once slept for four hours without even realizing I was tired. I slept through my house being re-roofed. No, I'm not kidding. I didn't think that was possible either.

And, something to do with hormones, I developed acid reflux. Which basically meant that anytime I ate anything, it felt like there was this bubbling lake of molten lava somewhere in my chest. Then food started becoming less appealing. Then it started bringing on nausea. I couldn't eat anything that had any kind of flavour, and I couldn't handle the smell of about half the food we normally had in the house.

And oh, the smells. Apparently during pregnancy some women develop heightened senses of smell so that they can better tell when food is going bad and avoid eating anything that might put their health (and the baby's) at risk. But nowadays, with refrigeration and expiry dates and really, really extensive lists of all the foods we should avoid, it isn't helpful. It's torture.

This and the weird taste I had in my mouth all the time meant food just wasn't as satisfying as I thought it would be. So I ended up eating a lot of plain food and had more aversions than I did cravings.

Then there's the weird sleep. Insomnia, for starters, but also weirdly vivid dreams that stuck with me after waking. I'd often wake up disoriented, and it would take minutes to find my way back into cold, calm reality.

Some of this I expected, but I didn't expect any of it to be as severe as it was. I also didn't expect most of it to last right through to the third trimester. And as time passed, new, extra fun extras got added - stretch marks, swollen feet, constant need to pee, painful baby movements, emotional extremes, tiredness (again) and a general feeling of IS IT OVER YET? But it wasn't. There was still forever to go.

IT'S POSITIVE. OH SH*T.

You know that scene in the romantic comedy where a woman is sitting in a perfectly organized, colour-coordinated bathroom in a stylish slip with a pregnancy test sitting tidily on the counter next to her waiting for the results? And then when it's positive her husband makes a romantic dinner with roses and sparkling apple juice (since she can't drink champagne anymore) and they're both glowing and ecstatic? Yeah, that's probably not how it normally goes down. At least, that's not how it went down in my house.

At first I thought there must be some mistake. There's no way I was pregnant. We'd been "trying" for almost a year with no luck. I'd reached the point when I figured in another month, I'd go back on birth control and call it a day. I'd even stopped being so careful not to drink leading up to my time of the month and drank until my due date. (To be fair, though, I'd done some research and had been advised that this was okay - of course this was pre-CDC's super strict guidelines on not drinking if you could get pregnant). We'd even started booking a trip we were planning to go on a few weeks later. So pretty much my reaction was, "No way. Shit." I'm pretty sure my husband's reaction was along the same lines.

I'd like to say that as the shock wore off, excitement took over and I started swooning over baby clothes and stuffed toys and imagining tiny toes and fingers. I'd like to say that I marveled at my body's ability to give life and looked forward to feeling my baby move. I'd like to say I handled it like a champ and stepped seamlessly into the mommy role. But I can't, because it's been 7 months and if anything, I'm even more freaked out than I was at the beginning.

So what do I have to say about those Hollywood movies with their bullshit romance? Fuck right off. We're dealing with reality over here.